• I just want to feel better

    I just want to feel better!!!

    After a breakup, we just want to know when will we feel better.

    When will this pain go away!

    How long before I am not constantly obsessing with thoughts of my ex.

    When will I feel ready to start dating again?

    Will I ever be ready to meet someone new?

    It’s so easy to want to skip all the hardship and feel all healed however in order to get to that space we have to move TROUGH these feelings and not push them aside.

    Allowing the space for yourself to acknowledge what you are feeling and completely express it is A HUGE IMPORTANT PIECE of being able to slowly but surly unshackle the hold the pain can often have after the end of a relationship.

    Breakups can cause complicated emotions that vary from one person to the next. Some of the different frameworks include:

    • Loss
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Trauma

    It’s helpful to first understand the specific emotions and symptoms you may be having. To gain a better understanding of what is happening during a breakup, a single “one size fits all” framework won’t do. Different people experience breakups differently. think through these different frameworks to see if any, or all resonate with what you are experiencing right now.

    Breakups as Loss

    A helpful way to understand what is happening during breakups is to understand them as a form of loss.
    The 5 stages of Grief developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Her model has been used to understand the emotional process people move through in order to process the loss of an important person.

    These stages include:

    • Denial
    • Anger
    • Bargaining
    • Depression
    • Acceptance

    Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed this work to understand the loss of someone who has died, I have found that these stages very often apply to those going through the loss of a partner during a breakup.

    Breakups as Anxiety

    Breakups can generate and even target our most primal anxieties. Some anxieties that can arise after a breakup can include:

    • Worries of self worth, self-esteem, and the ability to be loved.
    • Fears about ever being in a fulfilling relationship.
    • Anxieties about the thoughts and feelings of others.
    • Fears surrounding being able to find another person.

    It’s important to keep in mind that these worries are not thoughts not facts.

    Breakups as Depression

    During a breakup, you may experience some of the same symptoms as someone with depression. Some of these symptoms include a change in:

    • Mood: anxiety, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, mood swings, or sadness.
    • Sleep: early awakening, excess sleepiness, insomnia, or restless sleep.
    • Body: excessive hunger, loss of appetite or increase in appetite.
    • Behavior: agitation, excessive crying, irritability, or social isolation.
    • Cognition: lack of concentration.
    • Weight: weight gain or weight loss.
    • Also Common: Ruminating on thoughts.


    Breakups as Trauma

    For some people, breakups can be experienced as trauma.Trauma is the brains response to an extremely distressing event or experience, making it hard for the brain to combine emotions involved with that experience. When we experience an especially painful, frightening, or dangerous event, our brain goes into “fight, flight or freeze mode”. We are wired for survival, and our brain kicks into gear to help us do just that. When we are traumatized, our brain acts as if the threat is still present, keeping us stuck in the reptilian part of our brain that wants to freeze, flee, or fight in order to survive.


    Breakups are complicated and my experience is unique. It’s okay to feel any range of emotions as I work through this journey.